I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
