I'm lost and stupid without you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
