did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
