I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
