my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
