What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
