It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
