i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
