Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
