Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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