PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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