if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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