Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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