Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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