he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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