I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
