I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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