It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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