Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
