do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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