I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
