Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
