i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
