i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
