she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
