I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
