We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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