oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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