So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
