woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
