so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
