Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
