Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
