once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
