What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
