awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
