bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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