We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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