her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
is it fun? or sober?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
