Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
