Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
