the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
