Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
