we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
