i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
