i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
