my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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