so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drake has all the answers
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
