Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
