And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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